J.Lynn Johnston's Blahg!

I love my life! You should too…

Happy Thanksgiving!

I’m thankful for you. And I pray you all have as much to be thankful for as I do…

Love and fullness,
=j.lynn

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November 27, 2003 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Shenanigans!

So… My friend Dave is trying to beat the Thanksgiving weekend traffic by driving the 400 miles to his family functions overnight Wednesday. He’s planning on leaving at midnight. Dave normally gets up at about 6 AM to go to work, so he’s trying to trick his body clock so that he won’t be as tired during the drive. He decided that the best way to do that would be to stay up all night tonight, then sleep all day tomorrow. Then he’ll get up, pack his stuff up, and leave after traffic has died down (theoretically). He asked me if I had any advice for his all-night warm-up session tonight…

I live in a pretty odd neighborhood. It’s all industrial buildings and freight trains (my loft is sandwiched in between a concrete yard and an old NBC prop warehouse). Anyway, there’s never any shortage of stupid stuff to get into, so I invited him over to kill some time. We spent the rest of the time till sunrise acting like complete 12-year-olds…

Dave showed up with two brand-new battery powered pellet guns, which shoot plastic BBs just hard enough to sting bare skin, but not hard enough to even feel through a sweatshirt. After about an hour of chasing each other around the parking lot and trying to shield our eyes from the flying pellets, we decided to shift our juvenile aggression toward a more deserving species.

There are skunks in my neighborhood. There are skunks in my neighborhood because there are stray cats in my neighborhood. People who work around here put food out for the stray cats, and all they end up feeding are skunks. Anyway, I know where the main supply of food is left out, and guaranteed Dave we’d find skunks to stalk. With pockets full of bright blue ammunition and MAG Lites in tow, we set out to shoot some stink.

The area is pretty sketchy at night, and we ended up waking up two separate homeless men during the hunt… But we finally made it to one particular shipping yard where one particular jackass leaves piles of cat food outside (we’re talking probably close to 40 pounds of it). Sure enough, no cats were eating the food. But our quest was rewarded with a single skunk, chewing lazily on his unlimited supply of Meow Mix. I caught the reflected glow of his eyes with my flashlight, and knew he was ours for the taking. We’d have to shoot our pellet putters through a chain link fence. He was small, and a bit difficult to get at, but we wasted no time!

With a hail of (pitifully underpowered) blue bullets, we scared the stench and stripes right off the varmit. In trying to get away from me, he ran towards Dave. Then realized Dave was shooting too, and turned back towards me. Then he got smart and stopped. He raised his tail.

Suddenly Dave and I were the ones running like chickens. In order for our furry enemy to be within range of our silly toy guns, we had to get well within range of his not-so-silly ass end. I got clothes-lined by barbed wire in the escape, and Dave shot me a couple times in his retreat.

We got our wits back, regrouped, and charged back out from behind our palm tree shelter to find the skunk gone. Dang. Oh well… It killed about an hour…

We also ended up flying a remote controlled airplane head-on into an oncoming freight train. Intentionally. All in all, it was a good way to waste an entire night.

Love and pre-teen tendencies,
=j.lynn

November 26, 2003 Posted by | Uncategorized | 1 Comment

I Hate Spiders!

I think one of the scariest things that can happen is when you’re driving in your car, and a spider suddenly lowers itself down right in front of you and into your lap.

Seriously, though… That’s friggin’ freaky! There you are, minding your own business (which, in my case, is the road ahead), when suddenly something in the foreground of your vision catches your eye. You pull your eyes off the road ahead (which, in my case, was the windy 110 freeway in L.A.), bring them to focus on this little blur, and suddenly realize that it’s Dracula’s eight-legged little cousin.

And you can’t do ANYTHING about it! You can’t run, because you’re strapped in by the seat belt. You can’t swing and try to squash the damned thing, because you could lose control of your car while you’re on the 110 freeway (which, in my case, was being traveled at a much heftier clip than the posted speed limit). You can’t even pay close enough attention to watch where the critter goes, since you’re still driving and all… You just have to breathe deeply and hope the spider doesn’t attack anything vital as it lands in your lap. Like… Say… A testicle.

People give me a hard time about how much I hate spiders, but I’ve got some bad history with those little bastards. A vendetta, if you will… A few years ago, a spider bit my face while I was sleeping, and I ended up having to go to the emergency room to get an elephant-sized shot of antibiotics in my ass. And the nurse was ugly. And the nurse was a man. And my mom watched.

Come to think of it, I’m not sure what’s scarier… The thought of being bitten by a spider while driving, or the thought of having an ugly hairy dude bend you over in front of your mother and give you a large shot in the ass as a result… Ah, nevermind…

Love and arachnophobia,
=j.lynn

November 20, 2003 Posted by | Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Thanks, Bradley!

-About three months ago, I started getting someone else’s mail. Mind you, I’ve been living in my loft for about a year now… It’s not like there should be mail forwarding issues at this point… But lo and behold, every month for the past three, there’s an issue of Stuff Magazine addressed to “Bradley J. Buckman” in my mailbox.

-I asked my landlord what was up… If a guy named Bradley used to live or work in the loft… Nope. It was a media company before we moved in. Before that it was a rather well-known band. No Bradleys in either organization. Hmm… I asked the mailman what the deal was, and if there was any forwarding info on file for the dude… He told me that only first class mail gets forwarded, and that magazines are technically 4th class mail. So if I refuse this ghost’s subscription, it just gets thrown away by the US Postal Service.

-So I’m left with a pseudo subscription to a magazine that I previously have slid aside on my way to the latest AdBusters or Music Connection. Don’t get me wrong… I always appreciate free stuff (no pun intended)… I just feel weird reading someone else’s subscription to the thing. It HAS come in handy more than once, though…

-The first of these examples happened when I was out in NYC with my girl… I found myself at one of these celebrity-packed “it-list” parties in some random after-hours warehouse on the lower west side… Everyone was jockeying for position dancing next to Jamie Kennedy or trying to keep themselves in Nikki Cox’s eye line. We were over it, and we made our way to the “over it” section. I met this dude named Aric, and it so happens he was a friend of a friend… We started talking, and it also turns out he works as Associate Publisher at Stuff Magazine. I told him the story of the mystery subscriber at my place, and he thought it was the best story he’d heard all night. So he proceeded to buy everyone in our party dramatically overpriced drinks all night on the corporate credit card (thanks, man)!

-The second benefit came in the form of the September 2003 issue… Brooke Burke is practically naked on the cover, but it’s the inside which held the surprise… My best friend Brian (from Fine White China) used to date this girl named Jen. Hollywood Jen behind her back… This is the girl who broke up with my boy by handing him a “Dear John” letter tucked into a BIBLE as a parting gift. What a lame dump. Essentially, she told him he needed to act more “Christian.” Anyway, this particular feminine disciple of the Lord had a leather-clad rooftop bikini spread inside! And there she was… Hollywood Jen… Looking like an awkward midwestern dominatrix! How upstandingly Christian of her! Whatever… The story gets better…

-I had a show booked with Fine White China a couple days later, so of course I brought the issue to give to Brian. Who should stride into the club as he’s flipping through the rediculous display? Hollywood Jen! The classic “ex at your show” scenario… Pretending not to care, but watching him all night to see if he’s looking at her… Brian, the sly devil that he is, was able to use the situation to his advantage, and undeniably ended the evening with the upper hand. Bradley’s errant September issue was used as a stage prop during FWC’s set to exact some pinpoint revenge as he introduced their song “Starfucker.” All that was heard above the clink of ice in the bar glasses was a single shriek from the Stuff-ed dimwit…

-So all that to say… Thanks Bradley J. Buckman. Your truant subscription has made my life a bit more interesting… Free magazines, free alcohol, and Hollywood revenge for my friends! If we ever meet in person, the evening’s on me!

Love and gratitude and Stuff,
=j.lynn

November 12, 2003 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Funny!!!

SO… It’s been a while. I apologize… I’ve been too busy laughing my ass off at the hilarious crank calls posted at http://www.celebrityprankcalls.com . Seriously, it’s one of the funnier things I’ve seen on the internet for quite some time. These dudes took soundbites of movie quotes, and crank call the poor saps of America. They play different clips and quotes in order to have conversations with the unsuspecting recipient… SO funny. Arnold Schwarzenegger calling an asian escort service is so hilarious, and somehow so appropriate!

Love and famous harrassment,
=j.lynn

November 8, 2003 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment