J.Lynn Johnston's Blahg!

I love my life! You should too…

Thanks, Bradley!

-About three months ago, I started getting someone else’s mail. Mind you, I’ve been living in my loft for about a year now… It’s not like there should be mail forwarding issues at this point… But lo and behold, every month for the past three, there’s an issue of Stuff Magazine addressed to “Bradley J. Buckman” in my mailbox.

-I asked my landlord what was up… If a guy named Bradley used to live or work in the loft… Nope. It was a media company before we moved in. Before that it was a rather well-known band. No Bradleys in either organization. Hmm… I asked the mailman what the deal was, and if there was any forwarding info on file for the dude… He told me that only first class mail gets forwarded, and that magazines are technically 4th class mail. So if I refuse this ghost’s subscription, it just gets thrown away by the US Postal Service.

-So I’m left with a pseudo subscription to a magazine that I previously have slid aside on my way to the latest AdBusters or Music Connection. Don’t get me wrong… I always appreciate free stuff (no pun intended)… I just feel weird reading someone else’s subscription to the thing. It HAS come in handy more than once, though…

-The first of these examples happened when I was out in NYC with my girl… I found myself at one of these celebrity-packed “it-list” parties in some random after-hours warehouse on the lower west side… Everyone was jockeying for position dancing next to Jamie Kennedy or trying to keep themselves in Nikki Cox’s eye line. We were over it, and we made our way to the “over it” section. I met this dude named Aric, and it so happens he was a friend of a friend… We started talking, and it also turns out he works as Associate Publisher at Stuff Magazine. I told him the story of the mystery subscriber at my place, and he thought it was the best story he’d heard all night. So he proceeded to buy everyone in our party dramatically overpriced drinks all night on the corporate credit card (thanks, man)!

-The second benefit came in the form of the September 2003 issue… Brooke Burke is practically naked on the cover, but it’s the inside which held the surprise… My best friend Brian (from Fine White China) used to date this girl named Jen. Hollywood Jen behind her back… This is the girl who broke up with my boy by handing him a “Dear John” letter tucked into a BIBLE as a parting gift. What a lame dump. Essentially, she told him he needed to act more “Christian.” Anyway, this particular feminine disciple of the Lord had a leather-clad rooftop bikini spread inside! And there she was… Hollywood Jen… Looking like an awkward midwestern dominatrix! How upstandingly Christian of her! Whatever… The story gets better…

-I had a show booked with Fine White China a couple days later, so of course I brought the issue to give to Brian. Who should stride into the club as he’s flipping through the rediculous display? Hollywood Jen! The classic “ex at your show” scenario… Pretending not to care, but watching him all night to see if he’s looking at her… Brian, the sly devil that he is, was able to use the situation to his advantage, and undeniably ended the evening with the upper hand. Bradley’s errant September issue was used as a stage prop during FWC’s set to exact some pinpoint revenge as he introduced their song “Starfucker.” All that was heard above the clink of ice in the bar glasses was a single shriek from the Stuff-ed dimwit…

-So all that to say… Thanks Bradley J. Buckman. Your truant subscription has made my life a bit more interesting… Free magazines, free alcohol, and Hollywood revenge for my friends! If we ever meet in person, the evening’s on me!

Love and gratitude and Stuff,

November 12, 2003 - Posted by | Uncategorized

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