J.Lynn Johnston's Blahg!

I love my life! You should too…

I Hate Spiders!

I think one of the scariest things that can happen is when you’re driving in your car, and a spider suddenly lowers itself down right in front of you and into your lap.

Seriously, though… That’s friggin’ freaky! There you are, minding your own business (which, in my case, is the road ahead), when suddenly something in the foreground of your vision catches your eye. You pull your eyes off the road ahead (which, in my case, was the windy 110 freeway in L.A.), bring them to focus on this little blur, and suddenly realize that it’s Dracula’s eight-legged little cousin.

And you can’t do ANYTHING about it! You can’t run, because you’re strapped in by the seat belt. You can’t swing and try to squash the damned thing, because you could lose control of your car while you’re on the 110 freeway (which, in my case, was being traveled at a much heftier clip than the posted speed limit). You can’t even pay close enough attention to watch where the critter goes, since you’re still driving and all… You just have to breathe deeply and hope the spider doesn’t attack anything vital as it lands in your lap. Like… Say… A testicle.

People give me a hard time about how much I hate spiders, but I’ve got some bad history with those little bastards. A vendetta, if you will… A few years ago, a spider bit my face while I was sleeping, and I ended up having to go to the emergency room to get an elephant-sized shot of antibiotics in my ass. And the nurse was ugly. And the nurse was a man. And my mom watched.

Come to think of it, I’m not sure what’s scarier… The thought of being bitten by a spider while driving, or the thought of having an ugly hairy dude bend you over in front of your mother and give you a large shot in the ass as a result… Ah, nevermind…

Love and arachnophobia,


November 20, 2003 Posted by | Uncategorized | 1 Comment