J.Lynn Johnston's Blahg!

I love my life! You should too…

Buckle Up, Kids.

-Don’t ever speed in Santa Barbara, California. The Highway Patrol there is very strict about enforcing their max of 65. I found this out the hard way… But I think I paid my penalty the easy way.

-I paid the ticket, then paid a little more for the option of attending traffic school so that the violation wouldn’t show up on my DMV driving record. Then I set out to find the right class to fit my schedule and nocturnal lifestyle. Comedy school? No thanks. I’d done that before. Wasn’t funny. It was eight hours of some lame jerk making puns about traffic signs. He snorted whenever he felt he was exceptionally witty. It was gross.

-Then my eyes lit up… ONLINE Traffic School!!! I could bang it out at any time of day or night, do portions of the class, then leave town for a couple days… The incomplete “chapters” would wait for me to finish them at my own discretion. Perfect! Besides, I can have my Instant Message window open the whole time, and there’s no cop around this time to bust me for it!

-It turned out to be an even better deal than I had initially hoped. The internet class consisted of ten chapters of reading (each about five pages long). You HAVE to spend at least half an hour on each chapter. Do that math, kids… 5 pages of reading in 30 minutes. How slow do they think I am? I got the ticket for SPEEDING, remember? After those 30 minutes elapsed, the link appeared at the bottom of the page so you could move on. Easy enough!

-Each chapter ended with a quiz that you have unlimited tries to get 100% on before moving on. Then at the end of it all, there’s an exam. Only 80% and above gets credit for the course.

-So in the end, I didn’t read any of the chapters at all as I went through the course. I just chatted with my friends, and surfed other websites (while leaving the traffic school window open the whole time), played some Xbox, and pet my dog. When the timer was up, I’d guess at the quiz questions till I got them right. Then move on to another half hour increment of lazy entertainment. It was such a breeze, I banged it out all in one night.

-Then it came time for the exam at the end. Sounds intimidating… What the cyber-cops didn’t know, however, was that I had printed up hard copies of each chapter as I went along. So their ominous FINAL EXAM had just become a simple open-book multiple choice exercise. I just found whatever answers I needed, clicked the right buttons, and was finished. Laughing about it with my friends over IM the whole time…

-I may have done the time, but like “Old Blue Eyes” said, “I did it my way…” I’m too quick for traffic school…

Love and point removal,

December 30, 2004 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Happy Holidays!!!

-Happy Holidays from J.Lynn (and Benatar)! I truly hope your holidays are full of satisfaction and great company. Looking forward to an awesome 2005! Consider this your cheesy Christmas card from me. Yes, I did the cheesy Christmas card thing. Shut up.

Love and mistletoe scandals,

December 24, 2004 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Coke Is IT!

-Nobody at my place really drinks soft drinks. But we’re hosts by nature, so we keep a separate fridge full of drinks just for when people come over. On a whim today, I felt like a Coke. I put some ice in a glass, went out to the “drink fridge,” and grabbed a can.

-When I actually looked at the can, I realized just how long it has been since we’ve had people over. The was decorated with a VAN HELSING ad. The movie. The movie that came out in early MAY. Which means the Coke can is from the months of promotion leading up to the film’s release. Thank God Coke doesn’t expire.

-So who wants to come over and finish off these 9 month old drinks?

Love and vintage carbonation,

December 7, 2004 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Pink Scarves and Green Beer.

-One time on St. Patrick’s Day, I drank a little too much green beer when I was out with my friends. We were stopped at a stoplight on the way home, and I looked over to see a shop still open at 2:30AM. It was called “Circus of Books.” I remember drunkenly thinking, “That’s the most absurd name for a bookstore I’ve ever seen!” So I jumped out of the car at the intersection and ran into the store.

-I got inside the store and realized that something was off. Maybe it was the dude behind the counter all dressed up like Erroll Flynn with a pink scarf. Maybe it was the fact that there were no books to be found (only magazines and videos). Maybe it was the wall display of 18″ colored dildos… I realized I had stepped into a porn shop, and started giggling uncontrollably while clapping my hands. The whole thing was just SO surreal. I’m sure I looked like a handicapped eight year old with whiskers at that moment. But whatever. That other dude looked like Erroll Flynn with a pink scarf!

-Just then one of my friends caught up to me and started dragging me out of the store by the collar of my jacket. Just as we got to the front door, Mr. Flynn called out, “Come back soon, Romeo!” The only reply I could muster at the time was to yell, “You work in a porn shop!” And by then I was pretty much already back in the car.

-Oh, well. You can’t wow ’em every time…

Love and Flynn funnymen,

December 4, 2004 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment